Site will be under maintenance
Site will be under maintenance
If you loved me, you would . . .
I was married for ten years to a man I still love. Yes, love—as in currently. We’re no longer married, and that’s okay. For some, this might sound confusing: If you love him, why aren’t you still married to him? Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar. You may also have friends you adore but rarely see anymore. How does that happen?
It happens because love alone isn’t the question—or the solution—when it comes to relationships.
People are constantly trying to make sense of their relationships, whether romantic or platonic. We seek understanding, affirmation, clarity, and connection. Yet, when relationships falter, we often fall back on a familiar refrain: But I love them. This phrase, though sincere, reflects a deeper confusion. We’ve been conditioned to believe that love is the ultimate glue, the answer to all relationship challenges. But what if it’s not?
First, let’s consider what we mean by “love.” Love comes in layers and tiers, depending on the relationship. The love you feel for a partner differs from the love you have for a parent, child, or close friend. Even within a specific relationship, the depth and expression of love can vary over time.
When people share their struggles in relationships, they often emphasize, But I love them, as if love should outweigh everything else. While love is powerful—it’s kind, patient, and forgiving—it isn’t always enough to sustain a relationship.
If love isn’t the question, then what is? The answer may lie in values.
Values are the personal filters through which we process life. They shape how we think, act, and interact with the world. These core beliefs define what we view as the “right” way to be and operate. In relationships, shared or compatible values are critical.
For example, if your top values are communication, open-mindedness, and flexibility, you’re likely to feel frustrated in a relationship with someone who avoids difficult conversations or rigidly sticks to routines. Over time, such value clashes can erode the connection, even if love is present.
Some say relationships require compromise, and that’s true—to a point. Compromising on surface-level matters, like where to eat or what vacation destination to choose, is healthy and necessary. However, consistent compromise on core values often leads to resentment.
You can deeply love someone and still experience persistent value conflicts. These moments test our commitment to relationships. Many of us hold on tightly, thinking because I love them, I must stay. But love, though beautiful, doesn’t resolve fundamental misalignments.
So, what does this mean for relationships? It means we need to focus on value alignment before making long-term commitments. This requires self-awareness, honesty, and transparency. We need to define our core values and be authentic in sharing them.
Too often, we fall for potential—someone’s charm, initial bond, or outward treatment—without waiting to see if their values align with ours. Love may show up early, but value alignment takes time to reveal itself. Without understanding this, we risk confusion and disappointment.
Aligned values are the foundation for walking alongside someone in a meaningful way. They help us determine how far the journey can go.
If you find yourself feeling disconnected, irritated, or disillusioned in a relationship, start by examining the alignment of your core values. Stop relying on love as the sole reason to stay connected. Instead, dig deeper into why the relationship feels strained.
This doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship must end. Sometimes gaining clarity about value differences can help you navigate forward in a healthier way. But love, as powerful as it is, isn’t the question. It’s the foundation, not the entire structure.
#LoveIsNotTheQuestion #ValueAlignmentMatters #Love #Relationships #LoveFulfilled #Divorce #Breakups #RomanticRelationships
